Category: grief and loss

On Accountability

I have wanted to be a successful writer since I was about fourteen. Throughout my teens and 20’s, I was doing pretty well, or at least putting words down on the page and practicing my craft. Then came the disastrous year of 2024.

2024 and 2025 have been challenges for writing time and other things not related to writing time. In 2023, I wrote something every single day and finished multiple projects. It was the best writing year I’ve ever had as far as routine and ritual.

I had a routine and a plan, then 2024 happened.

2024

I had a lot of loss in 2024, with 10 people of varying closeness passing away at different times throughout the year, health issues and a car accident (everyone was fine, thankfully!). Starting medication for my mental health, which really made my ADHD tendencies go full blown off the deep end, and which meant starting medication for ADHD as well.

Perfect time to start the MFA, right?

2025

2025 was supposed to be my “year of writing” and getting back into routines I’d previously had. I had a schedule and everything. But that wasn’t quite the case either. 2025 has brought all new challenges to the playing field, like choosing to start a family and multiple health issues with my husband. Financial issues and pretty much every stressful thing that could happen has happened.

Now

So, how have I been protecting my writing lately, not very well at all. Some days are better than others. Sometimes, I get caught in the wrong ADHD tornado of obstacles and spend hours doing anything but writing. Other times, my motivation is lower than low because yay, being a female of childbearing age and  fun hormones. Other days, the writing bug bites (of course on the days where I’m busy and don’t have a lot of time to sit down and flesh out ideas), and I’ll at least get a few ideas down.

Thankfully, after some med adjustments and finally some recovery on my husband’s part (two surgeries in a month? Yes! Now, finally recovering in August). It’s taken some time, but I have taken inventory of when I have time (and when I waste time-AKA a lot) and I’m attempting to build a better schedule and have more incentive to stick to it.

Moving Forward

To overcome wasting a lot of time on my phone, I now have app limits. No more doomscrolling for 3 hours lost in time while I work in what should be an “on call” position, but where I have to be on-site. Now, I have to actively click “15 more minutes” and feel the shame of already using up my time in a non-productive way. Now, I plan to set a timer and “pay” for those extra 15 minutes with 15 minutes (or more) of writing.

In the future, I plan on working on my creative works and writing more in the morning as a first thing kind of mentality. It doesn’t always work, especially on weekends when I get to spend time with my husband, but it’s at least a step in the right direction. Timers have also been a big help in the past, so I will most likely use them again, either for writing time or as a countdown warning to writing.

A big part of it is making writing a priority again. During 2024, when I was basically drowning in an ocean of grief, writing wasn’t a priority. I continued to avoid responsibility once things began to get better in 2025. My goal is to make writing and creating and art more of my routine again instead of constantly being distracted by the next shiny thing.

After all, I can’t avoid being a writer forever. Especially with the plans I have for the rest of this year.

Ten Years

Ten years ago, I doubt I would have thought of myself here now,

Where I am now and who I was in that moment are markedly different.

For that, I am proud.

The me of ten years ago never thought herself worthy of time or love, stuck in those last few moments for so long.

For that, I am saddened.

Now, I have so much love, so much potential, so much drive to move forward.

To gain all those things, it took growth, leaving so much behind and learning from life lessons,

Lessons that should have never been taught so young.

I had just become an adult, and just like that, felt like nothing but a kid again.

As a kid, I had never felt truly safe in your arms,

But I stayed there much longer after you left.

Not physically, but emotionally.

I think about you a lot,

Even more so over the last few months, when everything has changed for the better.

I dread becoming like you,

I beg for a better life than you had.

I hope I do it all better.

I hope I find a better ending.

Ten years, you’ve been gone.

Ten years of growth you never got to see.

Despite all the struggles,

I still miss you, Mom.

Wednesday Works: The April Girls

The April girls are all there in Heaven,

Sitting in a cafe drinking tea.

Or maybe they’re all raising hell,

In some dingy bar.

Maybe they’re up there,

Chasing lives they wish they had lived,

Making up for the time they lost.

Maybe they’re watching over me and C,

Making bets,

Passing along the binoculars,

Always saying:

“I told you so”.

Wednesday Works: To all the Angels

Last Saturday, it was Hazel’s time to go. After 14 years, she succumbed to Feline Mediastinal Lymphoma.

Dear Angels who gained a cat in Heaven,

Her name is Hazel and she’s the best cat you’ll ever have. She responds to many nicknames (Beavis, Floofy, and Woofy), but I’m sure you’ll make some of your own. You’ll know if she likes you because she’ll sit on your lap the first night she’s there. If she’s comfortable enough, she’ll sleep there all night.

A few tips in caring for Hazel:

She really likes peanut butter, frozen eggo waffles, tuna and apples. Whenever you eat an apple, let her lick the core. She likes corn too, but please be careful to not let her get her head stuck in the can. Please watch your plate of food, whatever you’re eating, she will beg for it. She’s grown wise and knows how to off balance paper plates, especially with her chin. Don’t let her fool you, she’ll pretend she’s hungry all the time, but is well fed.

She’s a vocal cat, so please even if it makes you feel completely stupid, meow and chirp back at her. She really gets a kick out of it. If she’s stubborn to come sit with you at first, just ask her “Oh Hazel, Do you want that?” Most of the time she won’t want it, but she’ll come running and check it out anyway, no matter what you do or don’t have in your hands.

When she does sit with you, please rub her ears and her butt. She loves that, especially when you ask her “Do you want to do the ears?” She loves the kitty comb and stretching out, so please make sure you brush her. After she gives herself a bath, you have to tell her “Oh, Hazel! You look pretty today!”. It makes her feel good about herself.

Whatever you’re doing, she’ll be interested in. She’ll look over your shoulder as you do work, and make sure you take breaks to pet her and feed her. She’s a good companion like that, even if she thinks the desk chair, the desk, and anything you’re working on is in fact, hers.

At night, she can tend to be a little picky, so you have to ask her if she wants to get on top of the blankies or under the blankies. She’ll make up her mind, then probably change it again, but she’s a great sleeping companion. She’ll cuddle you all day if you let her.

She does have a naughty streak too. She’s an indoor cat, curious as they come, especially near the front door, so be careful when you leave. If she spends too much time near the front door, or gets into anything naughty give her a “Oh! Do I have to hold you like a little baby kitty?” Then, cradle her like a baby, even though it isn’t her favorite thing. Eventually, you might be able to get her to sit with you like that, but it will take some time.

She likes toys she can hunt and kick with her rabbit feet. Usually stuffed plushes work best, and if you throw a “toy-toy” (usually a granola bar wrapper, wrapped tight and tied in a knot) for her enough times, she’ll play fetch with you, just be mindful of the teeth and claws.

When you shower and get ready for the day, let her in the bathroom to “Get the water”, she loves to lick water straight from the spout. She’s good at cleaning herself, usually taking long baths in between long naps. She’s beautiful with a thick coat. She used to have a “13” in the lines of her fur on her side, but I’m afraid that got shaved off when she had the “overnight stay from hell”. I’m sorry it didn’t grow back before you got her. Please, regardless, tell her she looks and feels pretty every day.

She will follow you anywhere and everywhere. Even to the bathroom. Just make sure you sit up straight or she will be there to jump and perch on your shoulders and check out what’s going on.

Lastly, Whenever you go anywhere and leave her behind, please tell her good-bye and pet her head at least. She really responds well to “Bye Hazel, you be good.” Even though she has no intentions of being good, but seeing what she can get away with.

Please give her all the love we would and tell her that we miss her and we love her every day.

Please take care of my cat and treat her well,

Breanna

Hazel 4/1/2008-4/2/2022