Category: About Me

On Accountability

I have wanted to be a successful writer since I was about fourteen. Throughout my teens and 20’s, I was doing pretty well, or at least putting words down on the page and practicing my craft. Then came the disastrous year of 2024.

2024 and 2025 have been challenges for writing time and other things not related to writing time. In 2023, I wrote something every single day and finished multiple projects. It was the best writing year I’ve ever had as far as routine and ritual.

I had a routine and a plan, then 2024 happened.

2024

I had a lot of loss in 2024, with 10 people of varying closeness passing away at different times throughout the year, health issues and a car accident (everyone was fine, thankfully!). Starting medication for my mental health, which really made my ADHD tendencies go full blown off the deep end, and which meant starting medication for ADHD as well.

Perfect time to start the MFA, right?

2025

2025 was supposed to be my “year of writing” and getting back into routines I’d previously had. I had a schedule and everything. But that wasn’t quite the case either. 2025 has brought all new challenges to the playing field, like choosing to start a family and multiple health issues with my husband. Financial issues and pretty much every stressful thing that could happen has happened.

Now

So, how have I been protecting my writing lately, not very well at all. Some days are better than others. Sometimes, I get caught in the wrong ADHD tornado of obstacles and spend hours doing anything but writing. Other times, my motivation is lower than low because yay, being a female of childbearing age and  fun hormones. Other days, the writing bug bites (of course on the days where I’m busy and don’t have a lot of time to sit down and flesh out ideas), and I’ll at least get a few ideas down.

Thankfully, after some med adjustments and finally some recovery on my husband’s part (two surgeries in a month? Yes! Now, finally recovering in August). It’s taken some time, but I have taken inventory of when I have time (and when I waste time-AKA a lot) and I’m attempting to build a better schedule and have more incentive to stick to it.

Moving Forward

To overcome wasting a lot of time on my phone, I now have app limits. No more doomscrolling for 3 hours lost in time while I work in what should be an “on call” position, but where I have to be on-site. Now, I have to actively click “15 more minutes” and feel the shame of already using up my time in a non-productive way. Now, I plan to set a timer and “pay” for those extra 15 minutes with 15 minutes (or more) of writing.

In the future, I plan on working on my creative works and writing more in the morning as a first thing kind of mentality. It doesn’t always work, especially on weekends when I get to spend time with my husband, but it’s at least a step in the right direction. Timers have also been a big help in the past, so I will most likely use them again, either for writing time or as a countdown warning to writing.

A big part of it is making writing a priority again. During 2024, when I was basically drowning in an ocean of grief, writing wasn’t a priority. I continued to avoid responsibility once things began to get better in 2025. My goal is to make writing and creating and art more of my routine again instead of constantly being distracted by the next shiny thing.

After all, I can’t avoid being a writer forever. Especially with the plans I have for the rest of this year.

On Writing By Hand

Some affiliate links listed here, gotta pay the bills somehow, right?

When I first began to write seriously (Ok fine, semi-seriously) at around 14, I had no smart devices or even a computer. I started writing my first novel in a spiral bound notebook with a pencil.

Image created by chatGPT— imagine this is the notebook before the project started.

I highly caution against that as I have in the past: Pencil can and will rub away leaving a graphite mess.

Image created by ChatGPT. This was pretty close to what the pages looked like with a few words legible here and there.

My next project, in high school, was written yet again in a spiral notebook, but this time in pen. Better, but spiral notebooks tend to get trashed in backpacks and lose their spiral, their cover, their pages or all of the above. That project took up a notebook and a half, and then I still tried to write the sequel in a spiral bound notebook. You think I would have learned by then, but no.

Is it a universal thing that this is the first pen everyone uses in high school?

The next few projects after that, I wised up a little and put them all in a binder, but still in spiral notebooks. Somehow that made sense to me. Teenage logic, I guess.

Then, I moved to binder paper in a binder, each project separated by a divider (Go me for being organized!) But at that time I was working on like 8-10 different projects and never getting anything done (Boo!). Most of those projects are still not done— I had new project-itis for most of my Sophomore year, too busy crushing on boys (Darn you teenage hormones!).

The fun of going through the dozens of binders in my closet and going through”What’s This?”

Junior year, I finished a project— yet again in a spiral notebook. Yay more teenage logic.

Senior year, I went back to binders and paper, which was more effective because I finished that project just after I turned 18 (Yay being an adult). However, I wrote it in erasable pen, so just like pencil, it’s smudged and nearly unreadable now.

The first NaNoWriMo I did I was freshly 18 with loose pages in a loose folder that was overstuffed after like a week. I don’t really know, that year was weird AF, adjusting to college, getting my heart broken, hating the hard left from art to sciences.

After that, I wised up a little bit and finally switched to composition notebooks and RSVP pens (My favorite!). I would write in the notebook and color in the cover, it was like double the stress relief. I even had two point of views with 4 different colors. I had it all organized and figured out, but the novel/series was never finished.

The best combination for writing by hand.

The first series I finished in a composition notebook (yes, with different colored RSVP pens) was in 2011. I can’t remember exactly how long it was, but I know I used two composition notebooks (with funny patterns, thanks Walmart!) and ran out a few of the pens in the process.

I wrote the rest of that series (or at least parts of it) in different composition notebooks until 2015 when I finally got my first iPhone.

After that, the world was my oyster. I could write anywhere, I could work through projects at the speed of light and not have to worry about typing them up from a notebook later (This was before I learned how to touch type— that was rough!). The first novel I typed was on a Samsung phone back in 2012, which I do not recommend, that was awful.

That experience in 2012 turned me off of technology for a while, hence why I didn’t upgrade until 2015.

Technology is great. I really enjoy typing at the speed of light and getting my ideas out as fast as I can think them and my fingers can type them. I love how connected the internet has made us, and how quick we can share ideas with each other.

However, there are times when I miss writing by hand.

I miss writing notes in the margins and writing initials from where I used to read my work out loud to my best friend (I cringe now, re-reading those works and sometimes even laugh).

I miss writing song titles at the top of the page whenever I heard a song I liked from the music channels on cable.

Just writing down whatever came to mind
This was how I decided to keep track on paper. AWFUL IDEA!

I miss writing down ideas as soon as they would come to me. Notes about later in the story, ideas for another spin-off.

I miss writing notes about life in the margins like “essay due 3/11” and “get milk”.

Handwriting has always felt just a touch more personal than typing on a screen. There was something so magical about starting a notebook on the first page and reaching the last page, or running a pen out of ink at the worst possible time, but loving the feel of the full pen once it was back on the page.

I recently picked up handwriting again last year when I was in the throws of the year from hell. I had wanted to get back into writing, away from a screen that I’d been stuck to for years between writing and school. The screen that I only wanted to use for distractions because that was all I had the bandwidth for at the time. I managed to write for 11 days in a row in August, and it went well, until it didn’t. I stopped, then let doubt come in and then by the time I picked up the notebook again, it was September. Still, I tried to get back into it, then I realized I hadn’t outlined enough.

Still, it was great to write in the margins, great to write by hand and get the ink on my fingers, great to be able to see my accomplishments and hold them in my hands.

I still want to finish that project. I still want to hand write at least parts of it. It’s a massive project and will take me a lot of time, but finally that excites me again rather than frightens me. The difference now is I’m older and I don’t mind using the “fancy” notebooks.

The notebooks for the big project. It was nice to choose themes to go along with the characters.

When it comes down to it, it doesn’t always matter how you write a story, whether online, spoken aloud or in any manner of notebooks with any kinds of pens.

All that matters is that you’re telling the story and moving forward toward the finish line.

I still remember every story I’ve written, no matter how much actually got onto the page. There are a few of them that are lost to time (or in storage), but the ones I do have I have scanned into my computer.

Who knows, I might pick one up and continue it someday.

No effort is ever wasted if you enjoyed doing it.

 

2025 First Quarter Goals Updates and Second Quarter Goals

Here I am a day late. (Darn work schedules!) It’s April which means it’s the start of a new quarter. Out with Quarter One and in with the new!

Here’s a reminder of what I said I wanted to do in the first quarter of 2025:

Overall

Publish more consistently online and build online presence. ❌

Set up a newsletter (1/2)

Finish setting up Etsy account and shop. Start selling. ❌

Finish first MFA semester of 2025 ✅

January

Post daily on Music That Shaped Me. ❌

Post weekly on the blog and Medium ❌

Participate in NYC Midnight’s Short Story Challenge ✅

February

Post daily on the blog ❌

Post weekly on Music That Shaped Me and Medium. ❌

March

Post daily on Medium ❌

Post weekly on Music That Shaped Me and the blog. ❌

Extra:

I started a massive cleaning and decluttering project on my house. I cleaned and reorganized my kitchen and some of the closets.

🎉🎉🎉

Sooooo….

Overall, my goals weren’t in line with what life happened to throw at me. I made progress on a few things.

-I did write consistently online for 10 days.

-I did end up building a newsletter (with the help of a school project), but it’s not fully up and running yet.

-I did participate in the NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge (and placed 5th— which means I’m in it for round 2! 🎉)

Second Quarter Goals

I guess it’s a good thing I’m posting a day late. Wouldn’t want everyone to think my goals are a joke! 🤭

 

2024 Wrap up

Is it finally gone? Did we make it through that awful year?

Ok, good.

The me at the start of 2024 and the me now are two vastly different people. In 2024, before the chaos hit, I had a lot of goals I wanted to reach and projects I wanted to get done.

A quick reminder of what those goals were:

Writing Goals

Write 1.5K-2K (Or 1 hour of time) daily one project at a time until Completed

Finish 5-6 Writing Projects

Finish 2 Editing Projects

Read 15 Books

Publish Consistently Online

Publish a Long Work

Personal Goals

Exercise/Get in Better Shape

Hydrate

 

“Overall, I’m excited for 2024 and all the new opportunities it will bring!”

via GIPHY

Is it wrong to want to simultaneously punch your younger self in the face and give them a nice tight hug to prepare them for what’s to come?

2024 was a fucking doozy starting from 6 days in. The hits were numerous and kept coming, blow after blow. Looking back at it now, it feels like I went a dozen boxing rounds, each more difficult than the last. You can read all about it on medium.

Needless to say, I didn’t get any of my goals for 2024 nearly as close as I wanted. Writing and editing and posting online took a backseat. Nearly everything but the basics took a backseat for a long stretch.

2024 was not the year of writing I wanted, but it was definitely a year of pain and growth and self-development. Between the grief, loss and new experiences, I learned a lot more about myself than writing could ever teach me.

While it sucks my goals had to take a backseat due to circumstances I could not control, I did have some small wins this year mostly unrelated to my goals.

I wrote about 80K in the first few months, until I stopped writing in March.

I finished 10/15 books but started more than 15 (if we count textbooks!).

I started the MFA program and basically had to re-learn how to learn now that my ADHD was first fully out to play and then somewhat better controlled.

I started gardening and crafting and doing things away from a screen.

I worked a lot on myself and learned a lot that will help me in the long run.

I’m hesitantly excited to see how things go in 2025.

November Update

Photo by Kelly Sikkema

This year has been the most difficult year I can remember. Emotionally, I’m drained. Physically, I’m tired. Mentally, I’m frazzled.

But I am on the mend.

All of 2024 has been one shit show after the other, starting 6 days into the new year! Tragedy after tragedy, death after death, loss after loss. But through it all, I’m still kicking and screaming. Sure, there were times when I thought this year would break me. Times where I felt like I was drowning and the usual mechanisms that could save me were broken and sinking.

After a difficult few months, and the literal feeling like I was drowning, I started taking anti-depressants. They helped me feel better, but for the first time in my life since I decided I wanted to be a writer: I couldn’t write.

I feared that writing had been my depressive addiction, that I used writing to avoid the difficult things in life. While I definitely used it as a distraction before medication, I worried I would not be as creative on the medication. That was a big roadblock.

Another roadblock to writing was the loss of trust in NaNoWriMo. I used to give them the benefit of the doubt on most things over the years as an ML (Municipal Liaison) for them, but after the allegations of child grooming in 2023 and then the increased vitriol and hatred, finally culminating in a series of “unimportant” emails that were actually important (shocking!) where all the MLs were nuked. I have moved on.

That transition was difficult. I had used the monthly writing model for years, ever since I found NaNoWriMo in 2009. I had built up monthly writing goals, editing goals, word count goals, but after that experience was tarnished, I felt like everything else was tarnished too. So I stopped writing.

November used to be NaNoWriMo. I’m not doing NaNoWriMo this year, but I am planting seeds for 2025 and making plans.

This year did not go as I intended it to go in any of the ways I had planned. Wave after wave of grief and loss. The medication helped, but it brought out some focus issues. Which led me to be diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD.

Once I was diagnosed (and medicated), all the little quirks, little issues, big issues and avoidant tendencies suddenly made sense.

Looking back on basically my whole life with the new lens of “I have Depression and ADHD” was absolutely wild. I had to spend some time cataloguing my entire life and noticing both what I had missed out on thanks to the anxiety and fear from my depression and ADHD, but also the signs that I missed of both my depression and ADHD. That was definitely a mindfuck and a little pity party, but it was needed. Now I know how to move forward.

I took a break from writing this year and that’s OK. It was more like I was forced to take a break, but that’s a good thing. I needed to pause, evaluate and figure out how to move forward.

I’m currently in an MFA program for Creative Writing (timing is great, isn’t it?) and that has been rough. I’ve always been a good student, but these first few classes have been a creative struggle and a lesson in how to adapt. One of the classes is “The Business of Writing” and I’m seeing the places where I fall short.

I’ve had great intentions for putting myself out there, but I have always fallen short. But now that things are on the mend, I am going to do my best to improve.

Along with not writing this year, I picked up gardening, knitting (and some crochet- still learning), built a lot of furniture for the newly opened side of my house, and created a space that makes me truly feel happy and creative.

I’m making plans to be more present for 2025. I’m making plans to get back into writing and not make it feel like such a struggle. I’m working on putting myself more out there with my writing and my art despite my intense fear of heartbreaking rejection.

You’ll see more from me over the next few weeks of 2024 and in 2025!

 

December Results and 2022 Year End Round Up

I cannot believe another year of writing has come and gone! This year has definitely had its ups and downs, but I’m happy I’ve been able to do what I love in writing and creating.

December Results

One Short Story

As much as I wanted to write a short story this month, writing was a bit of a chore. Between all the preparation of reducing my hours at my current job and all the preparation of getting everything settled for the new job, writing took a bit of a backseat. There were several days where I didn’t even write at all. So unfortunately, I still have one and a half short stories that I’m taking with me into the new year.

Continue Edits

December wasn’t really the month for edits. Between finishing up final papers for school, getting everything ready for a new job, and wrapping up things at my current job, things got quite a bit hectic. Though I did make a more solid plan to make sure edits do get done.

Poetry

It took me a little while to get into the groove with the poetry contest, but I finished at least 18 poems and submitted them to the contest just before Christmas. I really enjoyed writing and putting together something I haven’t done in a while. Returning to poetry was fun, and something I might continue into next year.

Non-Writing Related

In December, a lot happened. I worked my butt off at my job, plus filling out paperwork for the new job and eventually started that job right after Christmas. I wrote poetry and technically published said poetry. I wrote some flash fiction and published to Medium.

While this month wasn’t a spectacularly big word count month, it was a big month as far as preparing for the future. Besides publishing to Medium and signing a publishing contract for poetry, I also opened an Etsy store and truly looked in to publishing some of my previous works.

In personal news, I got engaged. I couldn’t be happier.

Word Count: 10,341

Year End Results

As far as the whole year goes, I feel pretty successful. I didn’t manage to reach all of my goals, but I put in a good effort and have a lot to show for it. I feel like I’ve made large leaps and bounds compared to where I was at this time last year, and I hope I’ll have even more to show for it when we reach this time next year.

Here’s how I did on my goals for 2022:

Write Every Day

As hard as I tried to write every single day of the year, it just simply wasn’t possible. Something would come up, or lack of motivation would strike. That being said, I feel like I did the best I could given the circumstances.

January: 100%

February: 100%

March: 83%, with 26/31 days

April: 86%, with 26/30 days

May: 93% with 29/31 days

June: 100%

July: 77% with 24/31 days

August: 80% with 25/31 days

September: 80% with 24/30 days

October: 87% with 27/31 days

November: 100%

December: 55%, with 17/31

Total/Average: 87%, with 317 days of writing.

Short Story a Month

For the short stories, I didn’t always finish them in one span of 30 days, but I did finish 11/12 I set out to do. I think that’s pretty impressive.

Violet

Angie

Sinead

The Red Flower

Trifecta

Fairytales

Inventors of Tomorrow-NYC FF contest round one

Mess is Easier-NYC FF contest round two

The Goodbye Girl – First piece of fiction written for my bachelor’s program

The Way Out

Two of a Kind

Write/Edit Six Novels in 2022

Writing and editing was my big goal for 2022. I figured I could get a lot more done than I did. Due to time constraints and other goals and projects (like school and a full-time job), I did not finish or edit as many projects as I had planned to. Still, I’m happy that I finished the projects I did finish.

Magic and Romance – Finished June 2022 (First Draft)

Ghost House Heart – Finished October 2022 (First Draft)

Speaking From the Soul: Poems of Places Yet Explored – Finished December 2022 (First Draft)

Read at least Four Books

Surprisingly, reading was easier than I expected it to be. I haven’t really kept a great reading schedule over the past few years, whether it was due to school or a hectic work/life balance, but I was quite pleased to get back into reading. Maybe I shouldn’t have spent more time reading than writing, but I have no regrets. I read a lot of great books this year.

SpellMaker by Charlie N. Holmberg- Feb 2022

The Phantom of the Bathtub by Eugenia Riley – Feb 2022

A Ruin of Roses by K.F. Breene- March 2022

A Throne of Ruin by K.F. Breene- March 2022

A Kingdom of Ruin by K.F. Breene- March 2022

All the Murmuring Bones by A.G. Slatter- April 2022

I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy-September 2022

Dis-Harmony: A Jigsaw Collection of Misguided Dating by Rachel R. Kovach- September 2022

Love and Lexapro by Emma Alexis Woodard- September 2022

Creative Challenges

For 2022, I had planned on competing in every NYC Midnight competition. As hard as I tried, once again with a busy schedule and hectic life, it simply wasn’t possible to compete in all of them. I did very much enjoy the ones I did compete in though.

NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge: Did Not Compete

This challenge, I signed up for, but had to drop out at the last minute due to procrastination and homework. Unfortunately for the time being, homework and school has to come first.

NYC Midnight Microfiction Challenge (100 Word):

This year, the microfiction challenge was quite fun. I started out with a genre I don’t usually write and had fun with it, even if it was a bit crass. In the first round, I scored 13th place, which meant I got to go on to round 2 and write another 100-word story. I didn’t place in round two, but I had fun writing it and getting feedback.

NYC Midnight Microficiton Challenge (250 Word):

This is the first time I’ve competed in this challenge, and I have to say I really enjoyed it. I’m not used to 250 words, but it does give a lot more to play with than 100 words. I’m looking forward to the challenge that round two brings in the upcoming year.

NYC Midnight Flash Fiction Challenge:

This year, I got to write in a genre I’ve never written in before for round one. I enjoyed it and got to play around with some fun futuristic elements. In round two, I got to experiment with some really dark themes and actually scare myself with the piece I wrote.

NYC Midnight Screenwriting Challenge: Did Not Compete

NYC Midnight Short Screenplay Challenge:Did Not Compete

NYC Midnight Rhyming Story Challenge: Did Not Compete

I signed up for this one, but due to several other obligations (mainly homework) I was not able to actually write and submit anything. Instead, I have the prompts saved up for some future plans.

Year End Word Count: 216,988

Wednesday Works: To all the Angels

Last Saturday, it was Hazel’s time to go. After 14 years, she succumbed to Feline Mediastinal Lymphoma.

Dear Angels who gained a cat in Heaven,

Her name is Hazel and she’s the best cat you’ll ever have. She responds to many nicknames (Beavis, Floofy, and Woofy), but I’m sure you’ll make some of your own. You’ll know if she likes you because she’ll sit on your lap the first night she’s there. If she’s comfortable enough, she’ll sleep there all night.

A few tips in caring for Hazel:

She really likes peanut butter, frozen eggo waffles, tuna and apples. Whenever you eat an apple, let her lick the core. She likes corn too, but please be careful to not let her get her head stuck in the can. Please watch your plate of food, whatever you’re eating, she will beg for it. She’s grown wise and knows how to off balance paper plates, especially with her chin. Don’t let her fool you, she’ll pretend she’s hungry all the time, but is well fed.

She’s a vocal cat, so please even if it makes you feel completely stupid, meow and chirp back at her. She really gets a kick out of it. If she’s stubborn to come sit with you at first, just ask her “Oh Hazel, Do you want that?” Most of the time she won’t want it, but she’ll come running and check it out anyway, no matter what you do or don’t have in your hands.

When she does sit with you, please rub her ears and her butt. She loves that, especially when you ask her “Do you want to do the ears?” She loves the kitty comb and stretching out, so please make sure you brush her. After she gives herself a bath, you have to tell her “Oh, Hazel! You look pretty today!”. It makes her feel good about herself.

Whatever you’re doing, she’ll be interested in. She’ll look over your shoulder as you do work, and make sure you take breaks to pet her and feed her. She’s a good companion like that, even if she thinks the desk chair, the desk, and anything you’re working on is in fact, hers.

At night, she can tend to be a little picky, so you have to ask her if she wants to get on top of the blankies or under the blankies. She’ll make up her mind, then probably change it again, but she’s a great sleeping companion. She’ll cuddle you all day if you let her.

She does have a naughty streak too. She’s an indoor cat, curious as they come, especially near the front door, so be careful when you leave. If she spends too much time near the front door, or gets into anything naughty give her a “Oh! Do I have to hold you like a little baby kitty?” Then, cradle her like a baby, even though it isn’t her favorite thing. Eventually, you might be able to get her to sit with you like that, but it will take some time.

She likes toys she can hunt and kick with her rabbit feet. Usually stuffed plushes work best, and if you throw a “toy-toy” (usually a granola bar wrapper, wrapped tight and tied in a knot) for her enough times, she’ll play fetch with you, just be mindful of the teeth and claws.

When you shower and get ready for the day, let her in the bathroom to “Get the water”, she loves to lick water straight from the spout. She’s good at cleaning herself, usually taking long baths in between long naps. She’s beautiful with a thick coat. She used to have a “13” in the lines of her fur on her side, but I’m afraid that got shaved off when she had the “overnight stay from hell”. I’m sorry it didn’t grow back before you got her. Please, regardless, tell her she looks and feels pretty every day.

She will follow you anywhere and everywhere. Even to the bathroom. Just make sure you sit up straight or she will be there to jump and perch on your shoulders and check out what’s going on.

Lastly, Whenever you go anywhere and leave her behind, please tell her good-bye and pet her head at least. She really responds well to “Bye Hazel, you be good.” Even though she has no intentions of being good, but seeing what she can get away with.

Please give her all the love we would and tell her that we miss her and we love her every day.

Please take care of my cat and treat her well,

Breanna

Hazel 4/1/2008-4/2/2022

Wednesday Works: Two Years and One Day

When I think about where I was two years ago (and one day), I think about how different my life was.

I think about how I was on a completely different path, one where I put another’s needs before my own.

I think about where I would be now if I had stayed on that path, if I had suffered in silence longer.

Two years (and one day) ago, before we started our adventure together, I was pretending more than I was being, surviving more than I was thriving, hurting more than I was healing.

Now, I am better.

Now I am thriving.

Now I am healing.

Growing, Changing, Building.

All of it together, with you.

You have let me build myself up, even when it’s been painful.

You have let me grow in each and every way, creatively, compassionately, brilliantly.

You’ve let me try and fail.

You’ve let me transform into who I’ve truly meant to be all along.

And I hope I have done the same for you.

I love you and I hope for more years together.

Love,

Your Bücket

Wednesday Works: A Letter to the Inner Child

Adulthood is where dreams go to die. Where the light of desires and wishes is snuffed out by the heavy demands of adulthood. Silently, they die, screams unheard between bills to pay and the green desire of more more more!

Adulthood is where dreams go to die. Snuffed out in youth by the distractions of the old man screaming for you to meet him, the old woman content to shout and scream, demand your attention now in the brightness of your potential, only to snuff it out as easily as blowing out a candle.

So dream now.

Create now.

Feel something now and do something silly now.

Before it’s too late.

Day Five: Menu

When I was more active and doing things in certain communities, I went to a ramen and sushi restaurant with a bunch of colleagues. One gentleman opened the menu, closed it, and ordered Shrimp Tempura.

I ordered curry, because I was afraid of making a mess and splashing everyone around me if I ate ramen.

Later we learned the gentleman got a menu in full Japanese and ordered what he wanted anyway.

I ordered because I was scared. Perhaps I need to take a lesson from that gentleman, and take more risks.

2019 Stats and 2020 Goals

Here we are again at the start of a new year and a new decade. It seems like just yesterday that it was 2019 (yes, I did make that joke). Here’s some of the cool stuff I did and created in 2019 and the statistics to go along with it, because I enjoy numbers.

In 2019 (And November and December of 2018), I wrote a grand total of 412,699 words through multiple projects. A measly 1,616 were written in December of 2019. That averages about 29K a month, which isn’t bad at all.

In 2019, I finished five projects. Deeper Than Time (book 8 of the series), The Weight of Your Lips (Fanfiction), The Kiss (the series prequel), and Inktober.

In 2019, I had a lot of great experiences, like a writing conference, revamping my blog and creating my own social media platforms.

It was an amazing year for writing, but 2020 will be better.

Here’s what I hope to accomplish in 2020:

  • Write an average of 30K per month.
  • Finish Under Grey Skies (book 9)
  • Begin editing the completed books in the series and begin querying for Girl Disappearing (book 1)
  • Publish something in 2020.

NaNoWriMo 2019 Week Two Check-In

Week Two is over and gone. Thank goodness! Because it struck with a vengeance.

Week Two is traditionally when the act of writing gets difficult and writers reach walls or struggle through their drafts. I am no exception to that, but with a few more issues during the week.

Day Eight: 2,525 (I broke a finger that night at Judo)

Day Nine: 1,309 (Spent 2.5 hours at CHC and 1 hour at the local hospital waiting for an x ray, went to a write in with buddy taped fingers)

Day Ten: 1,015 (Worked, updated word count late)

Day Eleven: 1,945 (Worked, Busy AF)

Day Twelve: 1,781 (Slept all day, thanks nightshift, slept all night)

Day Thirteen: 759 (The first day I was under 1K, and officially behind on my goal of 120K; Also, hit 50K.)

Day Fourteen: 1,219 (Slept all day, woke up way after midnight, slept until morning. Now super behind on my 120K goal)

Total: 51,219

Positives: I hit 50K and officially “won” NaNoWriMo. I now have a direction after dragging my feet for a few days. I have a few days off from work where I can make it up.

Negatives: My fingers are buddy taped, making typing on a keyboard a real fun experience and not very fast. They will be taped for the next 3-6 weeks (ALL of November!)

Positive: Week 3 is almost here and I have a direction again.

What Failure Can Teach Us About Writing

Failure is something that can happen to any of us at any time. Failure is something that we all try to actively avoid, failing, being a failure, is something that we don’t ever really want to admit. Failure sucks, but it’s a part of life.

Lately, I’ve felt like a failure in several aspects. I’ve been pursuing my bachelors in nursing for several years now, and ultimately through several factors some I could and some I couldn’t control, I’ve dropped out. I’ve been writing a novel since November and have had the same goal for that novel since January of this year. I have a decent job, but I feel like I’m failing at having a personal life or working on any hobbies outside of work and sleep.

By several accounts, I could be considered a failure, school isn’t going well, writing isn’t going well, personal life isn’t going well, but there can be several different views of failure.

School– Yes, I have essentially dropped out with a “six month suspension”. At the same time, I have been telling the school for months that there is no way I can complete the projects that have been assigned in the small amount of time that was given, along with working a full-time job. I have wanted a break for months. Now I have it. Now I can try and relax more.

The Novel- This novel is something I have been working on since November and had the same goal since January. It’s been months, but I haven’t stopped writing, I’ve just been going at a slower pace. I’ve had the same goal, and haven’t reached it yet, but I haven’t stopped. I’m still writing, no matter how slow the process goes.

The Job- It will be six months that I’ve had this new job as of April 1st. In that six months, it seems as though my plans and hours and duties have changed almost hourly. I was trained under one company on all different shifts, scheduled on all different shifts, both days and nights and anywhere in between. Now we’re with a new company and new management and new hours and even MORE training. Yes, my social life and my hobbies are suffering, but at least I have a job. I just haven’t had a chance to settle and create a solid schedule yet.

Failure is everywhere, and anything can become a failure, if you let it.

Sure, I can look at school as a failure, but it’s been stressing me out since I first started and working through and gaining more experience I’m wondering if even being a nurse is what I want to do.

Sure, I can look at writing the same novel for months and months as a failure, but I’m still writing and doing my best to get through the novel. Everyone goes through slumps, and this might just be mine currently.

Sure, I can look at my social life as a failure with this new job and the extra hours and training, but I have a job and I’m learning valuable skills, and making connections. Sure, it sucks right now to spend half my week sleeping and working and the rest of it catching up on sleep, but it won’t be forever. Eventually things will calm down.

So what does all of this have to do with writing? Failure is everywhere in writing.

It’s when the project isn’t going well, so you give up.

It’s when you send out a piece and it gets rejected.

It’s when your work doesn’t get much views or reads, or acclaim.

Or it can be.

Giving up on that project that doesn’t work can make way for a better project.

Getting rejected can allow you to send your piece somewhere else, somewhere better.

Not getting many views, or reads, or acclaims can allow you to learn how to improve and get more acclaim on the next piece.

Failure is okay, as long as you use it to your advantage.

Failure is only failure if you don’t learn from it and keep moving forward to improve.

I’ve had a lot of failures in the past few months, of so it would seem, but I’m not going to let them stop me.

I’m going to keep moving forward.

How about you?

#14: My Diary

When I open my diary from five years ago, it’s hard to believe that I lived that life and that that person was me.

Five years ago, I thought I was happy, I thought I was whole, but I laugh now at how wrong I was. I laugh at how much growing I still had to do.

How much growing I still have to do.

Five years ago, I was barely an adult, floating through my life with all the dreams in my head propelling me up into the clouds, and my feet not on the ground. Five years ago, I was just out of a relationship that is my worst relationship to date, and looking back now, I am so relieved.

Five years ago, I was a coward, ready to do and be whatever anyone wanted me to be. I would rather have been one to fit in and go with the flow.

Not anymore.

Now, I’m standing tall, becoming my own person, and making waves.

Hello World!

#6: My Charger

My charger is white and new. Getting a new phone for the first time in over two years, it is unlike any other charger I’ve ever had. At first, I was apprehensive, new technology, new charger, new apps and a new OS, but slowly, I realized change was inevitable.

Change is inevitable, not just in technology, or chargers, but in life as well. If things stayed the same, they would grow stagnant and boring. It’s impossible to stay in one place forever.

Change can also be scary, but I have found, even if it is terrifying at the time, it leads to better things in the long run.

5 years ago today, I was in a relationship that I’m sure was my worst relationship to date. 5 years ago today, I ended that relationship and since then, only good things have come from that end. It was a huge change and caused a lot of grief at first, but here I am 5 years later and so much stronger for it.

Change is frightening, but most of the time its the charge we need to keep moving forward.

#5: Leftovers

There are certain things that carry over from the previous days and years. It’s been five years since nursing school started, five years since I got out of that terrible relationship, five years since every relationship I thought I had changed.

There are so many things I’m still holding onto that I shouldn’t. After five years, the leftovers are starting to rot.

They no longer serve me, and I’m letting them go,

It’s time to be me again.

#2: CD

I was fresh out of the package,

and you burned me with your influence.

Fed me your lines and your rhymes,

All in perfect time and cadence.

You marked me with your ways,

and your faults,

so that whenever I do anything,

I am reminded of you.

Your rhymes and your cadences,

all getting stuck in my head as they are tattooed on my skin.

Sometimes,

the only way to heal is to break,

shatter until I can’t hear your melody anymore.

Break and twist until I can no longer fit in your machine.

Standing With My Antlers On

A couple of months ago, I made a blog post called “Not Every Girl is a Pearl”. In that post, I talked about all the changes I was making and the hope I had for the future.

Here is what has changed since then.

  1. I’m still single, and learning to love it.
  2. My hair is growing out nicely
  3. Judo is going well

And because of those things I’ve been able to take steps to increase confidence and take care of myself better.

Single Life

This is the longest I’ve been single in a long while. There have been times where I’ve been scared, and alone, but all in all, it’s been so empowering.

My days are my own, my choices are my own, and because of that my confidence has soared. Yes, occasionally it has been lonely, but I don’t regret my decision to end things.

My happiness had to come first.

My Hair

It’s been about four months since I chopped my hair off and I will admit there are some days throughout the growing process that make me want to chop it all off again, but overall it’s going well. I’ve changed a few of my usual habits due to timing and other obligations, but I’m slowly learning to love my hair and it’s nature, along with other parts of me.

It all comes down to confidence, I guess.

Judo

Very recently, as of a week ago, I went to Winter Nationals for Judo and basically got my butt handed to me. I expected this, after only being in judo for just over four months, but I did it anyway. I didn’t want to wait around for the next tournament. Winter Nationals was honestly terrifying, but in the good way that you end up being thankful for later.

I was thrown into helping volunteer in pooling and the scoring system for our mat and it forced me to not think and just do. It forced me to be assertive and stand up to the competitors and coaches that all wanted something from me at the same time. It forced me to find the strength that had been buried and pushed down for so long in my work life. It was what I needed.

As far as actually competing goes, I was in a four woman pool, which means I only had to worry about three other competitors. All three landed full Ippons on me in less than a minute, but I still went out and tried my best. I did have an attack of nerves, but I pushed through it and went out anyway.

On Monday, two days later, I was promoted and got my yellow belt. Which I consider one of my biggest achievements this year, if not the biggest.

It all happened because I let go of my fears and decided to be more confident in myself and my abilities. It’s been a while since I’ve had this confidence and I’m not going to let it go so easily again.

I’m standing up with my antlers on.

Courage

Today is World Judo Day and the theme this year is Courage.

This is very important to me, since I feel I have been lacking courage recently. For the past few weeks, I’ve just been floating through life. Work, home, judo, school, repeat ad infinitum. I’ve recently decided that I’m not going to do that anymore.

There are things coming up that I need courage for and I’m slowly realizing that I’ve been taking the easy route rather than having courage and facing challenges.

NaNoWriMo: I’m having courage and branching out from my usual hermit-mode while writing.

Judo: Winter Nationals are coming up and I won’t get anywhere with this half assed “Oh sorry” attitude I’ve been having when training. I’m choosing to have Courage and Trust in others and my own abilities.

School/Work: I’ve been pushed around and forced to play the nice guy because I don’t want to start issues. This has made me docile and basically a doormat. Courage in my work and my convictions will help that.

So I am making the active decision to face my challenges with courage and confidence. I’m excited to see where that leads me over the next few months.

Something from Inktober earlier this month.

 

Coward

Maybe you’re right. 

Maybe I let go too soon,

Tapped out when I should have stayed in,

Let things go when they got too tough,

Gave up,

Gave in. 

Maybe I am a coward, 

For leaving,

For tapping out,

For wanting to protect myself, 

For wanting to chase my own happiness,

Instead of feeling like I was stagnant and drowning. 

Thank you for calling me “coward”,

I’m going to prove you wrong.