When I open my diary from five years ago, it’s hard to believe that I lived that life and that that person was me.
Five years ago, I thought I was happy, I thought I was whole, but I laugh now at how wrong I was. I laugh at how much growing I still had to do.
How much growing I still have to do.
Five years ago, I was barely an adult, floating through my life with all the dreams in my head propelling me up into the clouds, and my feet not on the ground. Five years ago, I was just out of a relationship that is my worst relationship to date, and looking back now, I am so relieved.
Five years ago, I was a coward, ready to do and be whatever anyone wanted me to be. I would rather have been one to fit in and go with the flow.
Not anymore.
Now, I’m standing tall, becoming my own person, and making waves.
For nearly two weeks, the shiny metal staples shone like a beacon on her forehead.
For nearly two weeks, all everyone ever saw was the staples. How she had gotten the staples wasn’t important, but she wouldn’t tell anyone either way.
After she got them removed, the white clear strips were put in their place until they fell off on their own. She tore that safety measure from her skin.
She needed to see her scars. She needed to see her strength.
A couple of months ago, I made a blog post called “Not Every Girl is a Pearl”. In that post, I talked about all the changes I was making and the hope I had for the future.
Here is what has changed since then.
I’m still single, and learning to love it.
My hair is growing out nicely
Judo is going well
And because of those things I’ve been able to take steps to increase confidence and take care of myself better.
Single Life
This is the longest I’ve been single in a long while. There have been times where I’ve been scared, and alone, but all in all, it’s been so empowering.
My days are my own, my choices are my own, and because of that my confidence has soared. Yes, occasionally it has been lonely, but I don’t regret my decision to end things.
My happiness had to come first.
My Hair
It’s been about four months since I chopped my hair off and I will admit there are some days throughout the growing process that make me want to chop it all off again, but overall it’s going well. I’ve changed a few of my usual habits due to timing and other obligations, but I’m slowly learning to love my hair and it’s nature, along with other parts of me.
It all comes down to confidence, I guess.
Judo
Very recently, as of a week ago, I went to Winter Nationals for Judo and basically got my butt handed to me. I expected this, after only being in judo for just over four months, but I did it anyway. I didn’t want to wait around for the next tournament. Winter Nationals was honestly terrifying, but in the good way that you end up being thankful for later.
I was thrown into helping volunteer in pooling and the scoring system for our mat and it forced me to not think and just do. It forced me to be assertive and stand up to the competitors and coaches that all wanted something from me at the same time. It forced me to find the strength that had been buried and pushed down for so long in my work life. It was what I needed.
As far as actually competing goes, I was in a four woman pool, which means I only had to worry about three other competitors. All three landed full Ippons on me in less than a minute, but I still went out and tried my best. I did have an attack of nerves, but I pushed through it and went out anyway.
On Monday, two days later, I was promoted and got my yellow belt. Which I consider one of my biggest achievements this year, if not the biggest.
It all happened because I let go of my fears and decided to be more confident in myself and my abilities. It’s been a while since I’ve had this confidence and I’m not going to let it go so easily again.
