My bag is packed.
It’s sitting by the door,
waiting to be swept away,
Whenever I feel
that you and I are no longer compatible.
So say something,
Do something,
To make me believe
That I can stop running.
Give me a reason to make a home
In you,
And unpack my baggage for good.
It’s the new year, and a lot of people are hoping to exercise more and take control of their health, get stronger and work out.
I want to exercise too, but in a different way.
I want to exercise my right to my thoughts and feelings and the fact that they are valid.
I want to exercise my mind and remember things better, think things through more thoroughly and become friends with my mind.
I want to exercise my confidence and let it grow stronger so I don’t lose my voice anymore.
I want to exercise more than just my body.
A couple of months ago, I made a blog post called “Not Every Girl is a Pearl”. In that post, I talked about all the changes I was making and the hope I had for the future.
Here is what has changed since then.
And because of those things I’ve been able to take steps to increase confidence and take care of myself better.
Single Life
This is the longest I’ve been single in a long while. There have been times where I’ve been scared, and alone, but all in all, it’s been so empowering.
My days are my own, my choices are my own, and because of that my confidence has soared. Yes, occasionally it has been lonely, but I don’t regret my decision to end things.
My happiness had to come first.
My Hair
It’s been about four months since I chopped my hair off and I will admit there are some days throughout the growing process that make me want to chop it all off again, but overall it’s going well. I’ve changed a few of my usual habits due to timing and other obligations, but I’m slowly learning to love my hair and it’s nature, along with other parts of me.
It all comes down to confidence, I guess.
Judo
Very recently, as of a week ago, I went to Winter Nationals for Judo and basically got my butt handed to me. I expected this, after only being in judo for just over four months, but I did it anyway. I didn’t want to wait around for the next tournament. Winter Nationals was honestly terrifying, but in the good way that you end up being thankful for later.
I was thrown into helping volunteer in pooling and the scoring system for our mat and it forced me to not think and just do. It forced me to be assertive and stand up to the competitors and coaches that all wanted something from me at the same time. It forced me to find the strength that had been buried and pushed down for so long in my work life. It was what I needed.
As far as actually competing goes, I was in a four woman pool, which means I only had to worry about three other competitors. All three landed full Ippons on me in less than a minute, but I still went out and tried my best. I did have an attack of nerves, but I pushed through it and went out anyway.
On Monday, two days later, I was promoted and got my yellow belt. Which I consider one of my biggest achievements this year, if not the biggest.
It all happened because I let go of my fears and decided to be more confident in myself and my abilities. It’s been a while since I’ve had this confidence and I’m not going to let it go so easily again.
I’m standing up with my antlers on.
I’m working my way back to me again– Oysters, Tori Amos
Lately, there have been a lot of changes in my life.
Let’s start with the ending of the longest relationship I have ever been in.
2014-2017- The End of an Era
For a long time in that relationship I was oblivious to my own feelings. I had my head in the sand, thinking that I wasn’t really feeling the random thoughts that would pop up.
It won’t last.
He’s not your type.
Why him?
I chalked it up to hormones, or stress, or the natural feelings of resisting change, the typical thoughts you have when things are going so right and you’re waiting for the worst to strike.
It wasn’t until another factor came into play, another friend that I’ve been talking with for a few years on and off, that I realized how truly oblivious I was being, how much potential was still out there for me.
My boyfriend wasn’t the end all, be all that I thought he was.
So even though it was frightening, I ended up breaking up with him, and honestly, I’m happier than I can remember being for a long time.
And for the first time in YEARS, most of it is my own happiness, not relying on other people, or things that I think should make me happy, but things that actually make me happy.
I am more confident than I have ever been, finding myself after being in relationship after relationship with no time for me for about a decade with no real time for me.
It’s been that way since I was sixteen, flitting from relationship to relationship because I lacked confidence to do things on my own, settling for a boy because he gave me attention, and thinking he was the best option out there (Spoiler Alert: They weren’t; that’s why they’re exes).
Instead, they were all lessons.
How not to settle, How to find my voice, How to gain confidence, How to lose friends, among several other lessons that are more difficult to explain.
I’m beginning to wonder what lessons I can learn on my own.
The Haircut
We’ve all seen the movie cliché, girl breaks up with boy, cuts off her hair in an edgy way, etc etc. Yeah, I cut my hair after the break up, but it was so much more than that.
For years, in every relationship I have ever been in, I have always valued the opinion of my significant other more than my own–I blame this partly on my family and their values with the very 1950’s mindset, the woman exists to please the man– asking their opinions on the smallest of things, from nail polish colors to what shirt would look better etc.
This haircut was different because I didn’t ask anyone, I made my own decision and only showed my best friend after it was done. I didn’t post it on social media, or text or call anyone after it was done asking for opinions.
I just did it, and thought for the first time I think ever:
If someone doesn’t like it they can fuck themselves. It’s mine and I’m claiming it.
It’s been nearly two weeks and no one has said anything negative about it. It might have to do with this surge of confidence lately, but I’m enjoying it.
It’s small, but I’m starting to claim my body back as my own and make choices for myself.
Things that make me happy and comfortable.
Judo
It’s a little early to tell, since I just started Judo on Monday, but it goes back to choices and confidence.
This friend I’ve been talking to has been doing Judo for a while and Karate for longer, and he mentioned that I should join Judo. I was nervous because I have very little body-kinesthetic knowledge, and Judo is basically a fighting martial art, but I ended up going, actually breaking a sweat and enjoying it more than I thought I would.
Monday, it was more calm, groundwork, etc.
Thursday, it was throws, which were so empowering. Taking someone way heavier than me and throwing them like they weigh close to nothing. The first few were pretty bad, and frightening, but when I got it right, there was nothing like it.
With throws, you just know when it’s right.
I think that’s life too.
You can struggle through it, fight through the weight of decisions, force things over your head until they come crashing down, or you can adjust until everything is perfect and life flows over you like it’s weightless.
This last month has held a lot of changes, and a lot of growth, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
As Tori says, I’m working my way back to me again.
