Tag: growth

November Update

Photo by Kelly Sikkema

This year has been the most difficult year I can remember. Emotionally, I’m drained. Physically, I’m tired. Mentally, I’m frazzled.

But I am on the mend.

All of 2024 has been one shit show after the other, starting 6 days into the new year! Tragedy after tragedy, death after death, loss after loss. But through it all, I’m still kicking and screaming. Sure, there were times when I thought this year would break me. Times where I felt like I was drowning and the usual mechanisms that could save me were broken and sinking.

After a difficult few months, and the literal feeling like I was drowning, I started taking anti-depressants. They helped me feel better, but for the first time in my life since I decided I wanted to be a writer: I couldn’t write.

I feared that writing had been my depressive addiction, that I used writing to avoid the difficult things in life. While I definitely used it as a distraction before medication, I worried I would not be as creative on the medication. That was a big roadblock.

Another roadblock to writing was the loss of trust in NaNoWriMo. I used to give them the benefit of the doubt on most things over the years as an ML (Municipal Liaison) for them, but after the allegations of child grooming in 2023 and then the increased vitriol and hatred, finally culminating in a series of “unimportant” emails that were actually important (shocking!) where all the MLs were nuked. I have moved on.

That transition was difficult. I had used the monthly writing model for years, ever since I found NaNoWriMo in 2009. I had built up monthly writing goals, editing goals, word count goals, but after that experience was tarnished, I felt like everything else was tarnished too. So I stopped writing.

November used to be NaNoWriMo. I’m not doing NaNoWriMo this year, but I am planting seeds for 2025 and making plans.

This year did not go as I intended it to go in any of the ways I had planned. Wave after wave of grief and loss. The medication helped, but it brought out some focus issues. Which led me to be diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD.

Once I was diagnosed (and medicated), all the little quirks, little issues, big issues and avoidant tendencies suddenly made sense.

Looking back on basically my whole life with the new lens of “I have Depression and ADHD” was absolutely wild. I had to spend some time cataloguing my entire life and noticing both what I had missed out on thanks to the anxiety and fear from my depression and ADHD, but also the signs that I missed of both my depression and ADHD. That was definitely a mindfuck and a little pity party, but it was needed. Now I know how to move forward.

I took a break from writing this year and that’s OK. It was more like I was forced to take a break, but that’s a good thing. I needed to pause, evaluate and figure out how to move forward.

I’m currently in an MFA program for Creative Writing (timing is great, isn’t it?) and that has been rough. I’ve always been a good student, but these first few classes have been a creative struggle and a lesson in how to adapt. One of the classes is “The Business of Writing” and I’m seeing the places where I fall short.

I’ve had great intentions for putting myself out there, but I have always fallen short. But now that things are on the mend, I am going to do my best to improve.

Along with not writing this year, I picked up gardening, knitting (and some crochet- still learning), built a lot of furniture for the newly opened side of my house, and created a space that makes me truly feel happy and creative.

I’m making plans to be more present for 2025. I’m making plans to get back into writing and not make it feel like such a struggle. I’m working on putting myself more out there with my writing and my art despite my intense fear of heartbreaking rejection.

You’ll see more from me over the next few weeks of 2024 and in 2025!

 

January Results and February Goals

January is now gone (and has been for a few days), and February is in full swing! I made a few writing goals last month, and there are always more goals to come! Here’s how I did in January:

January Results

Write at least 500 words a day:

As hard as I tried to write 500 words a day, it just simply didn’t happen. There were several days where 500 words was just too difficult with work and training. I got the second dose of the COVID vaccine and it knocked me out for at least a week. There were also other days where I got over 1000 without any issue. I did write quite a lot this month, but there were several days where I had zero days on more projects than days I did write. In the upcoming months, I would like to work on finding a balance that works best for me.

Start Edits on another book:

Official edits weren’t started, but notes and outlines and organization happened, so I am officially counting that as a win. I’m ready to get down to editing now that I know what I need to fix and where I need to go.

Round one of the NYC Midnight Short Story Contest:

Despite getting a genre for round one that I was apprehensive about and honestly quite scared to write during these volatile times (political satire), I wrote my short story and submitted it, even though I knew it wasn’t perfect. I’m definitely counting that as a win and growth on my part.

Word Count: 19,076

February Goals

Finish the NaNoWrimo Novel from 2020

I had planned to finish the NaNo novel by the end of January, but it is unfortunately going to be extended into February. There’s still a little novel left to write, but I’m getting quite a bit closer to the end.

Start Official Edits on BOOK A

BOOK A is now outlined and notated and ready to go through another round of edits. I’m hoping to get the final edits done by April of this year so I can start querying.

Continue to Work on open Projects

I still have several open projects open either from last year or a few years ago. I’m hoping to finish at least one of them, if not multiple by the time February is over. February is the shortest month of the year, but I’m hoping I can still be productive and make big changes over the next few weeks.

Wish me luck!

What are some of your goals in the upcoming months?

You Want to Be a Writer? Act Like One

These past few weeks, the entire month of February, has been strange for me. I had a tonsillectomy on the 31st of January and practically all of February was spent in bed recovering, or scrambling to get homework done as my semester for my bachelors program was winding down.

Yes, I know, I’m excellent at scheduling things and procrastination.

This strange time warp (thank you liquid Lortab for keeping the pain at bay and helping me catch up on much needed sleep, even if the nightmares were terrifying) left little time for me to write, and write coherently.

I was back at work for three days before this first cold whammied me into another week of bed rest. But it gave me a little more time to think and process, and yes, write!

I’ve been listening to a few new podcasts lately, all about writing and being a writer. There were a few that talked about whether or not a writer can call themselves a writer and what the criteria was or should be. Should you have a book published? A famous column in a newspaper? Can you be called a writer if only one other person, or no one has read any works?

I have always called myself a writer. I’ve started and finished several novels, short stories, plays and poems, not to mention blog posts and forum posts here and there. As far as I am concerned, I am a writer.

But over these past few months, I haven’t really been acting like a writer. I haven’t had that drive to finish something, or post something, or even think about writing in the least.

I am very pleased to say that today for the first time in a long while, I pulled out a short story that I wrote years ago and edited it. I’m not going to lie, I struggled to get motivated, to actually edit and not get distracted by the internet, or flash games, or more podcasts and posts about writing, but once I got into it and started, it was much easier.

I am a writer, and I am going to act like it.

Lady Volcano 

I feel I am molten,

Lava bubbling and shifting just beneath my skin,

Waiting to erupt forth in a brilliant spectacle of despair,

And rebirth. 

My muscles can’t stay stagnant,

My blood courses with new vigor,

My body ready to awaken, 

And create something beautiful. 

Not Every Girl is a Pearl

I’m working my way back to me again– Oysters, Tori Amos

Lately, there have been a lot of changes in my life. 

  1. I ended a nearly 3 and a half year relationship 
  2. I chopped off all my hair because I could
  3. I started Judo. 

Let’s start with the ending of the longest relationship I have ever been in. 

2014-2017- The End of an Era

For a long time in that relationship I was oblivious to my own feelings. I had my head in the sand, thinking that I wasn’t really feeling the random thoughts that would pop up. 

It won’t last.

He’s not your type.

Why him?

I chalked it up to hormones, or stress, or the natural feelings of resisting change, the typical thoughts you have when things are going so right and you’re waiting for the worst to strike. 

It wasn’t until another factor came into play, another friend that I’ve been talking with for a few years on and off, that I realized how truly oblivious I was being, how much potential was still out there for me. 

My boyfriend wasn’t the end all, be all that I thought he was. 

So even though it was frightening, I ended up breaking up with him, and honestly, I’m happier than I can remember being for a long time. 

And for the first time in YEARS, most of it is my own happiness, not relying on other people, or things that I think should make me happy, but things that actually make me happy.

I am more confident than I have ever been, finding myself after being in relationship after relationship with no time for me for about a decade with no real time for me. 

It’s been that way since I was sixteen, flitting from relationship to relationship because I lacked confidence to do things on my own, settling for a boy because he gave me attention, and thinking he was the best option out there (Spoiler Alert: They weren’t; that’s why they’re exes). 

Instead, they were all lessons. 

How not to settle, How to find my voice, How to gain confidence, How to lose friends, among several other lessons that are more difficult to explain. 

I’m beginning to wonder what lessons I can learn on my own. 

The Haircut

We’ve all seen the movie cliché, girl breaks up with boy, cuts off her hair in an edgy way, etc etc. Yeah, I cut my hair after the break up, but it was so much more than that. 

For years, in every relationship I have ever been in, I have always valued the opinion of my significant other more than my own–I blame this partly on my family and their values with the very 1950’s mindset, the woman exists to please the man– asking their opinions on the smallest of things, from nail polish colors to what shirt would look better etc. 

This haircut was different because I didn’t ask anyone, I made my own decision and only showed my best friend after it was done. I didn’t post it on social media, or text or call anyone after it was done asking for opinions. 

I just did it, and thought for the first time I think ever:

If someone doesn’t like it they can fuck themselves. It’s mine and I’m claiming it. 

It’s been nearly two weeks and no one has said anything negative about it. It might have to do with this surge of confidence lately, but I’m enjoying it. 

It’s small, but I’m starting to claim my body back as my own and make choices for myself. 

Things that make me happy and comfortable. 

Judo

It’s a little early to tell, since I just started Judo on Monday, but it goes back to choices and confidence. 

This friend I’ve been talking to has been doing Judo for a while and Karate for longer, and he mentioned that I should join Judo. I was nervous because I have very little body-kinesthetic knowledge, and Judo is basically a fighting martial art, but I ended up going, actually breaking a sweat and enjoying it more than I thought I would. 

Monday, it was more calm, groundwork, etc. 

Thursday, it was throws, which were so empowering. Taking someone way heavier than me and throwing them like they weigh close to nothing. The first few were pretty bad, and frightening, but when I got it right, there was nothing like it. 

With throws, you just know when it’s right. 

I think that’s life too. 

You can struggle through it, fight through the weight of decisions, force things over your head until they come crashing down, or you can adjust until everything is perfect and life flows over you like it’s weightless. 

This last month has held a lot of changes, and a lot of growth, and I can’t wait to see what happens next. 

As Tori says, I’m working my way back to me again. 


Oysters-Tori Amos 

Writer Life Lesson #6: Try Something New

As humans, we feel the urge to learn. We feel the urge to expand and learn new things, attempt new things. There are several quotes about knowledge and ignorance, and progress. As writers, we cannot stay in the same place forever, we must advance and grow and learn.

Last week, the lesson was write what you know. This week is a continuation in a way. This week’s lesson is: Try Something New

Yesterday, I did something I have never done before. I got on an airplane and I wrote on that airplane. That was a new, amazing, experience and I’m glad I was able to do it. It was a pretty short plane ride, but it was perfect for a new experience. It was a little taste of something I hadn’t done before.

So what happens when you try something new, either in life or in writing? You gain experiences and stories, both to tell and to write. You can share those experiences with others, and the knowledge that comes from those experiences.

I’m not saying you have to do something big, like get on a plane, or spend your whole life savings on a new house or car. Start with something small that you’ve wanted to try for a while. Try waking up at a new time, or trying a new food. It can be something small. Remember, small steps can lead to big changes.

There are a lot of new experiences to be found in writing too. Try learning something new or researching something you’re interested in. It can be a small step toward a huge change. Try handwriting if you usually type, or typing if you usually handwrite. Try writing a new perspective or even a new character. There are so many options out there, and so many new things to try as a writer.

I’ve tried a lot of new things in the past few years, and if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be as great of a writer as I am now. If I hadn’t tried such new things as NaNoWriMo and rewriting and editing, I would not have those experiences and that information to share with all of you. I wouldn’t be as knowledgeable or comfortable with writing, or even sharing all of this.

Learning new things, and trying new things can be frightening. Certain things can be scary, like getting on a plane, or writing a new perspective, or even changing something as small as your morning cereal. Fear is in our lives to help us know what could be dangerous and what could be life-threatening, but a lot of the time, we fear too much. Sometimes, in the face of change, we need to confront our fears head on, and continue on despite them.

So face your fears and try something new. It could actually be fun!

Try something new and give people something to say, whether they doubt you or not.

What is something new you’ve tried recently?

Goals for 2015

I’ve done a lot of talking about goals, and how important they are, but I haven’t really shared any of mine yet. I suppose this post would hold more importance around the new year, but goals can and should be considered all the time. The new year is a great reason to start new goals, but it shouldn’t be the only reason.

My goals for 2015 are:

1. Write every day- This goal should be pretty obvious. I am a writer and if I want to continue to be a writer, I should take it seriously and write. I have tried this goal several times, for several years, but something always gets in the way. So far, I have missed a few days here and there, but I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be. Since starting this goal in the middle of January, I have written around 20K total.

2. Finish the second book in my series- I started the second book, Little Earthquakes: The Child, in November of 2012 (Thanks, NaNo!). The end of that year and the beginning of 2013 were very stressful for me, and I barely even touched the surface of the second book. After editing and rewriting parts of the first book, the plots of book two changed into something better. Since I finished the third draft of book one, it’s time to let that rest and give some life to book two.

3. Edit the first book in the series- I began the first book, Spark: The Girl, in November of 2011 (Thank you, NaNo!) and I had parts of a plot, but not any ideas strong enough for a whole series (which it quickly became). After finishing the first draft, and realizing the holes and the several changes it needed, I began to write draft two, which then became draft three after several more realizations. Now that draft three is done and complete, it’s time to try something new and edit it thoroughly and start looking for a publisher. Maybe even draft four too.

4. Write a short story every month- I used to struggle with short stories. I figured why write a short story when you could write a whole novel? I began my first short story in April of 2013, to challenge myself, and I actually ended up liking it. I decided when 2014 rolled around to do a short story a month. I managed to write nine short stories and start a tenth before 2015 started. I liked it so much last year that I’m doing it again this year. Not only does it flex my creative muscles, but it gives me the option to work on something else if I get stuck in a novel.

5. Send something out for a contest and/or publishing- This was one of my goals last year. I expected to be finished with the third draft way sooner than I actually finished it, and I was going to edit it quickly, find an agent and a publisher and have it published by the end of the year. That didn’t happen and to be honest, I’m quite glad. It would have been a complete mess. However, what did happen was way better. I found out about a short story contest and submitted what I thought was my best work. I didn’t win or anything special, but at least I tried. It was frightening at first, to say the least, but the confidence boost afterward was one of the best gifts ever. I plan to do something like that again this year.

Now that I’ve shared mine, what are some of your goals?

Process and Progress

After being a writer and calling myself a writer for several years, I have written quite a lot. Some great things, some terrible things and some things that I am sure I still cringe at to this day. I am mostly referring to my first few years of writing and my fanfiction phase.

My first story (not my first novel) was one I wrote when I was around eight. It was a powerpuff girls fanfiction that had one page chapters and really bad drawings. It was a half assed fairytale with a simple plot and a really really bad dialogue scheme. I am happy to say I have improved immensely since then.

Why am I blogging about my first story and embarrassing myself a little bit? Even though it’s not my favorite by a long shot, that piece taught me a lot about my writing process. I was around eight when I wrote it, on black paper, with gel pens. I had never written any stories before, but my friends, who were almost five years older, had nearly filled their notebooks with their ideas and their words.

And there is the beauty of my first story ever.

The process behind it, the quick choice of writing something I knew, something I cared about, even if it was rudimentary and juvenile. I got an idea in a flash and I wrote it the only way I knew how, with words, and pictures. I wrote it in a way no one else could, in a way no one else could, because those were my words and my choices on that page, as simple as they were.

Since then, my writing has changed, writing more of my own ideas instead of fanfiction, but the process still remains. I still get ideas in a flash, and I still sometimes write simple words and stories, but I can always edit them and change them to be better. I have expanded my horizons and ventured into other things, other writing, other hobbies, and other ideas. I have expanded as a human and a writer.

But that first story, I will never ever touch. I have to have some way to track my progress and my growth as a writer.

Do you remember your first jump into the creative pool?