Tag: courage

November Update

Photo by Kelly Sikkema

This year has been the most difficult year I can remember. Emotionally, I’m drained. Physically, I’m tired. Mentally, I’m frazzled.

But I am on the mend.

All of 2024 has been one shit show after the other, starting 6 days into the new year! Tragedy after tragedy, death after death, loss after loss. But through it all, I’m still kicking and screaming. Sure, there were times when I thought this year would break me. Times where I felt like I was drowning and the usual mechanisms that could save me were broken and sinking.

After a difficult few months, and the literal feeling like I was drowning, I started taking anti-depressants. They helped me feel better, but for the first time in my life since I decided I wanted to be a writer: I couldn’t write.

I feared that writing had been my depressive addiction, that I used writing to avoid the difficult things in life. While I definitely used it as a distraction before medication, I worried I would not be as creative on the medication. That was a big roadblock.

Another roadblock to writing was the loss of trust in NaNoWriMo. I used to give them the benefit of the doubt on most things over the years as an ML (Municipal Liaison) for them, but after the allegations of child grooming in 2023 and then the increased vitriol and hatred, finally culminating in a series of “unimportant” emails that were actually important (shocking!) where all the MLs were nuked. I have moved on.

That transition was difficult. I had used the monthly writing model for years, ever since I found NaNoWriMo in 2009. I had built up monthly writing goals, editing goals, word count goals, but after that experience was tarnished, I felt like everything else was tarnished too. So I stopped writing.

November used to be NaNoWriMo. I’m not doing NaNoWriMo this year, but I am planting seeds for 2025 and making plans.

This year did not go as I intended it to go in any of the ways I had planned. Wave after wave of grief and loss. The medication helped, but it brought out some focus issues. Which led me to be diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD.

Once I was diagnosed (and medicated), all the little quirks, little issues, big issues and avoidant tendencies suddenly made sense.

Looking back on basically my whole life with the new lens of “I have Depression and ADHD” was absolutely wild. I had to spend some time cataloguing my entire life and noticing both what I had missed out on thanks to the anxiety and fear from my depression and ADHD, but also the signs that I missed of both my depression and ADHD. That was definitely a mindfuck and a little pity party, but it was needed. Now I know how to move forward.

I took a break from writing this year and that’s OK. It was more like I was forced to take a break, but that’s a good thing. I needed to pause, evaluate and figure out how to move forward.

I’m currently in an MFA program for Creative Writing (timing is great, isn’t it?) and that has been rough. I’ve always been a good student, but these first few classes have been a creative struggle and a lesson in how to adapt. One of the classes is “The Business of Writing” and I’m seeing the places where I fall short.

I’ve had great intentions for putting myself out there, but I have always fallen short. But now that things are on the mend, I am going to do my best to improve.

Along with not writing this year, I picked up gardening, knitting (and some crochet- still learning), built a lot of furniture for the newly opened side of my house, and created a space that makes me truly feel happy and creative.

I’m making plans to be more present for 2025. I’m making plans to get back into writing and not make it feel like such a struggle. I’m working on putting myself more out there with my writing and my art despite my intense fear of heartbreaking rejection.

You’ll see more from me over the next few weeks of 2024 and in 2025!

 

Wednesday Works: To Have Courage

I want you to be proud of me,

See the change I’ve made.

I hope your heart melts

When you see me riding in,

On those white horses,

Courage blazing.

But instead,

The drifts get deeper as I drown,

In utter embarrassment.

#14: My Diary

When I open my diary from five years ago, it’s hard to believe that I lived that life and that that person was me.

Five years ago, I thought I was happy, I thought I was whole, but I laugh now at how wrong I was. I laugh at how much growing I still had to do.

How much growing I still have to do.

Five years ago, I was barely an adult, floating through my life with all the dreams in my head propelling me up into the clouds, and my feet not on the ground. Five years ago, I was just out of a relationship that is my worst relationship to date, and looking back now, I am so relieved.

Five years ago, I was a coward, ready to do and be whatever anyone wanted me to be. I would rather have been one to fit in and go with the flow.

Not anymore.

Now, I’m standing tall, becoming my own person, and making waves.

Hello World!

#8: All Gone

Just when you think everything is all gone,

Carry on.

Just when you think there is nothing left,

Carry on.

When you feel like giving up and things are hard,

Carry on.

Nothing is ever really all gone.

Hold on to that small blip of courage and

CARRY ON!

#3: No More Staples

For nearly two weeks, the shiny metal staples shone like a beacon on her forehead.

For nearly two weeks, all everyone ever saw was the staples. How she had gotten the staples wasn’t important, but she wouldn’t tell anyone either way.

After she got them removed, the white clear strips were put in their place until they fell off on their own. She tore that safety measure from her skin.

She needed to see her scars. She needed to see her strength.

Standing With My Antlers On

A couple of months ago, I made a blog post called “Not Every Girl is a Pearl”. In that post, I talked about all the changes I was making and the hope I had for the future.

Here is what has changed since then.

  1. I’m still single, and learning to love it.
  2. My hair is growing out nicely
  3. Judo is going well

And because of those things I’ve been able to take steps to increase confidence and take care of myself better.

Single Life

This is the longest I’ve been single in a long while. There have been times where I’ve been scared, and alone, but all in all, it’s been so empowering.

My days are my own, my choices are my own, and because of that my confidence has soared. Yes, occasionally it has been lonely, but I don’t regret my decision to end things.

My happiness had to come first.

My Hair

It’s been about four months since I chopped my hair off and I will admit there are some days throughout the growing process that make me want to chop it all off again, but overall it’s going well. I’ve changed a few of my usual habits due to timing and other obligations, but I’m slowly learning to love my hair and it’s nature, along with other parts of me.

It all comes down to confidence, I guess.

Judo

Very recently, as of a week ago, I went to Winter Nationals for Judo and basically got my butt handed to me. I expected this, after only being in judo for just over four months, but I did it anyway. I didn’t want to wait around for the next tournament. Winter Nationals was honestly terrifying, but in the good way that you end up being thankful for later.

I was thrown into helping volunteer in pooling and the scoring system for our mat and it forced me to not think and just do. It forced me to be assertive and stand up to the competitors and coaches that all wanted something from me at the same time. It forced me to find the strength that had been buried and pushed down for so long in my work life. It was what I needed.

As far as actually competing goes, I was in a four woman pool, which means I only had to worry about three other competitors. All three landed full Ippons on me in less than a minute, but I still went out and tried my best. I did have an attack of nerves, but I pushed through it and went out anyway.

On Monday, two days later, I was promoted and got my yellow belt. Which I consider one of my biggest achievements this year, if not the biggest.

It all happened because I let go of my fears and decided to be more confident in myself and my abilities. It’s been a while since I’ve had this confidence and I’m not going to let it go so easily again.

I’m standing up with my antlers on.