Christmas is different this year,
With so many friends and family missing from our table.
So many stories left untold,
Lives left unlived.
Things lost that can never be returned.
Still we sing Christmas Carols,
Wish good tidings,
And quietly pray for a better year ahead.
This year has been the most difficult year I can remember. Emotionally, I’m drained. Physically, I’m tired. Mentally, I’m frazzled.
But I am on the mend.
All of 2024 has been one shit show after the other, starting 6 days into the new year! Tragedy after tragedy, death after death, loss after loss. But through it all, I’m still kicking and screaming. Sure, there were times when I thought this year would break me. Times where I felt like I was drowning and the usual mechanisms that could save me were broken and sinking.
After a difficult few months, and the literal feeling like I was drowning, I started taking anti-depressants. They helped me feel better, but for the first time in my life since I decided I wanted to be a writer: I couldn’t write.
I feared that writing had been my depressive addiction, that I used writing to avoid the difficult things in life. While I definitely used it as a distraction before medication, I worried I would not be as creative on the medication. That was a big roadblock.
Another roadblock to writing was the loss of trust in NaNoWriMo. I used to give them the benefit of the doubt on most things over the years as an ML (Municipal Liaison) for them, but after the allegations of child grooming in 2023 and then the increased vitriol and hatred, finally culminating in a series of “unimportant” emails that were actually important (shocking!) where all the MLs were nuked. I have moved on.
That transition was difficult. I had used the monthly writing model for years, ever since I found NaNoWriMo in 2009. I had built up monthly writing goals, editing goals, word count goals, but after that experience was tarnished, I felt like everything else was tarnished too. So I stopped writing.
November used to be NaNoWriMo. I’m not doing NaNoWriMo this year, but I am planting seeds for 2025 and making plans.
This year did not go as I intended it to go in any of the ways I had planned. Wave after wave of grief and loss. The medication helped, but it brought out some focus issues. Which led me to be diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD.
Once I was diagnosed (and medicated), all the little quirks, little issues, big issues and avoidant tendencies suddenly made sense.
Looking back on basically my whole life with the new lens of “I have Depression and ADHD” was absolutely wild. I had to spend some time cataloguing my entire life and noticing both what I had missed out on thanks to the anxiety and fear from my depression and ADHD, but also the signs that I missed of both my depression and ADHD. That was definitely a mindfuck and a little pity party, but it was needed. Now I know how to move forward.
I took a break from writing this year and that’s OK. It was more like I was forced to take a break, but that’s a good thing. I needed to pause, evaluate and figure out how to move forward.
I’m currently in an MFA program for Creative Writing (timing is great, isn’t it?) and that has been rough. I’ve always been a good student, but these first few classes have been a creative struggle and a lesson in how to adapt. One of the classes is “The Business of Writing” and I’m seeing the places where I fall short.
I’ve had great intentions for putting myself out there, but I have always fallen short. But now that things are on the mend, I am going to do my best to improve.
Along with not writing this year, I picked up gardening, knitting (and some crochet- still learning), built a lot of furniture for the newly opened side of my house, and created a space that makes me truly feel happy and creative.
I’m making plans to be more present for 2025. I’m making plans to get back into writing and not make it feel like such a struggle. I’m working on putting myself more out there with my writing and my art despite my intense fear of heartbreaking rejection.
You’ll see more from me over the next few weeks of 2024 and in 2025!
The April girls are all there in Heaven,
Sitting in a cafe drinking tea.
Or maybe they’re all raising hell,
In some dingy bar.
Maybe they’re up there,
Chasing lives they wish they had lived,
Making up for the time they lost.
Maybe they’re watching over me and C,
Making bets,
Passing along the binoculars,
Always saying:
“I told you so”.
Last Saturday, it was Hazel’s time to go. After 14 years, she succumbed to Feline Mediastinal Lymphoma.
Dear Angels who gained a cat in Heaven,
Her name is Hazel and she’s the best cat you’ll ever have. She responds to many nicknames (Beavis, Floofy, and Woofy), but I’m sure you’ll make some of your own. You’ll know if she likes you because she’ll sit on your lap the first night she’s there. If she’s comfortable enough, she’ll sleep there all night.
A few tips in caring for Hazel:
She really likes peanut butter, frozen eggo waffles, tuna and apples. Whenever you eat an apple, let her lick the core. She likes corn too, but please be careful to not let her get her head stuck in the can. Please watch your plate of food, whatever you’re eating, she will beg for it. She’s grown wise and knows how to off balance paper plates, especially with her chin. Don’t let her fool you, she’ll pretend she’s hungry all the time, but is well fed.
She’s a vocal cat, so please even if it makes you feel completely stupid, meow and chirp back at her. She really gets a kick out of it. If she’s stubborn to come sit with you at first, just ask her “Oh Hazel, Do you want that?” Most of the time she won’t want it, but she’ll come running and check it out anyway, no matter what you do or don’t have in your hands.
When she does sit with you, please rub her ears and her butt. She loves that, especially when you ask her “Do you want to do the ears?” She loves the kitty comb and stretching out, so please make sure you brush her. After she gives herself a bath, you have to tell her “Oh, Hazel! You look pretty today!”. It makes her feel good about herself.
Whatever you’re doing, she’ll be interested in. She’ll look over your shoulder as you do work, and make sure you take breaks to pet her and feed her. She’s a good companion like that, even if she thinks the desk chair, the desk, and anything you’re working on is in fact, hers.
At night, she can tend to be a little picky, so you have to ask her if she wants to get on top of the blankies or under the blankies. She’ll make up her mind, then probably change it again, but she’s a great sleeping companion. She’ll cuddle you all day if you let her.
She does have a naughty streak too. She’s an indoor cat, curious as they come, especially near the front door, so be careful when you leave. If she spends too much time near the front door, or gets into anything naughty give her a “Oh! Do I have to hold you like a little baby kitty?” Then, cradle her like a baby, even though it isn’t her favorite thing. Eventually, you might be able to get her to sit with you like that, but it will take some time.
She likes toys she can hunt and kick with her rabbit feet. Usually stuffed plushes work best, and if you throw a “toy-toy” (usually a granola bar wrapper, wrapped tight and tied in a knot) for her enough times, she’ll play fetch with you, just be mindful of the teeth and claws.
When you shower and get ready for the day, let her in the bathroom to “Get the water”, she loves to lick water straight from the spout. She’s good at cleaning herself, usually taking long baths in between long naps. She’s beautiful with a thick coat. She used to have a “13” in the lines of her fur on her side, but I’m afraid that got shaved off when she had the “overnight stay from hell”. I’m sorry it didn’t grow back before you got her. Please, regardless, tell her she looks and feels pretty every day.
She will follow you anywhere and everywhere. Even to the bathroom. Just make sure you sit up straight or she will be there to jump and perch on your shoulders and check out what’s going on.
Lastly, Whenever you go anywhere and leave her behind, please tell her good-bye and pet her head at least. She really responds well to “Bye Hazel, you be good.” Even though she has no intentions of being good, but seeing what she can get away with.
Please give her all the love we would and tell her that we miss her and we love her every day.
Please take care of my cat and treat her well,
Breanna
