I know you’re upset I’m here and not out in the world making something of myself. I know I made mistakes and you might not even open this letter once you see it’s from me, but I’m writing you anyway.
I’m not writing you asking you for money or sympathy or anything like that. I’m writing you to tell you what a good person I’ve become. How I’ve changed.
Remember when I was a kid and always wanted to go to summer camp? How I begged you to get me bunk beds, even though it was just you and me. Well, now I have bunk beds and a whole bunch of roommates. It’s just like summer camp most days. Except we’re all locked inside and haven’t seen true daylight in weeks.
Some guys here even years.
But don’t worry about me. Three months in here will be nothing. I have a bunk bed with my bunk mate, I have a warm shower whenever I want it. Everyone in the dorm here is nice enough. We all take care of each other in here.
The food could use some work and the hours, but I’m happy here. I’m happy for now.
Hopefully when I get out, I can prove to you that I’ve changed. Maybe I can get a job and you and I can really go camping, like I always wanted when I was a kid.
There are certain things that carry over from the previous days and years. It’s been five years since nursing school started, five years since I got out of that terrible relationship, five years since every relationship I thought I had changed.
There are so many things I’m still holding onto that I shouldn’t. After five years, the leftovers are starting to rot.
I’m working my way back to me again– Oysters, Tori Amos
Lately, there have been a lot of changes in my life.
I ended a nearly 3 and a half year relationship
I chopped off all my hair because I could
I started Judo.
Let’s start with the ending of the longest relationship I have ever been in.
2014-2017- The End of an Era
For a long time in that relationship I was oblivious to my own feelings. I had my head in the sand, thinking that I wasn’t really feeling the random thoughts that would pop up.
It won’t last.
He’s not your type.
Why him?
I chalked it up to hormones, or stress, or the natural feelings of resisting change, the typical thoughts you have when things are going so right and you’re waiting for the worst to strike.
It wasn’t until another factor came into play, another friend that I’ve been talking with for a few years on and off, that I realized how truly oblivious I was being, how much potential was still out there for me.
My boyfriend wasn’t the end all, be all that I thought he was.
So even though it was frightening, I ended up breaking up with him, and honestly, I’m happier than I can remember being for a long time.
And for the first time in YEARS, most of it is my own happiness, not relying on other people, or things that I think should make me happy, but things that actually make me happy.
I am more confident than I have ever been, finding myself after being in relationship after relationship with no time for me for about a decade with no real time for me.
It’s been that way since I was sixteen, flitting from relationship to relationship because I lacked confidence to do things on my own, settling for a boy because he gave me attention, and thinking he was the best option out there (Spoiler Alert: They weren’t; that’s why they’re exes).
Instead, they were all lessons.
How not to settle, How to find my voice, How to gain confidence, How to lose friends, among several other lessons that are more difficult to explain.
I’m beginning to wonder what lessons I can learn on my own.
The Haircut
We’ve all seen the movie cliché, girl breaks up with boy, cuts off her hair in an edgy way, etc etc. Yeah, I cut my hair after the break up, but it was so much more than that.
For years, in every relationship I have ever been in, I have always valued the opinion of my significant other more than my own–I blame this partly on my family and their values with the very 1950’s mindset, the woman exists to please the man– asking their opinions on the smallest of things, from nail polish colors to what shirt would look better etc.
This haircut was different because I didn’t ask anyone, I made my own decision and only showed my best friend after it was done. I didn’t post it on social media, or text or call anyone after it was done asking for opinions.
I just did it, and thought for the first time I think ever:
If someone doesn’t like it they can fuck themselves. It’s mine and I’m claiming it.
It’s been nearly two weeks and no one has said anything negative about it. It might have to do with this surge of confidence lately, but I’m enjoying it.
It’s small, but I’m starting to claim my body back as my own and make choices for myself.
Things that make me happy and comfortable.
Judo
It’s a little early to tell, since I just started Judo on Monday, but it goes back to choices and confidence.
This friend I’ve been talking to has been doing Judo for a while and Karate for longer, and he mentioned that I should join Judo. I was nervous because I have very little body-kinesthetic knowledge, and Judo is basically a fighting martial art, but I ended up going, actually breaking a sweat and enjoying it more than I thought I would.
Monday, it was more calm, groundwork, etc.
Thursday, it was throws, which were so empowering. Taking someone way heavier than me and throwing them like they weigh close to nothing. The first few were pretty bad, and frightening, but when I got it right, there was nothing like it.
With throws, you just know when it’s right.
I think that’s life too.
You can struggle through it, fight through the weight of decisions, force things over your head until they come crashing down, or you can adjust until everything is perfect and life flows over you like it’s weightless.
This last month has held a lot of changes, and a lot of growth, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
As Tori says, I’m working my way back to me again.
